I love Vegas... and Vegas loves me...

To open a new book; and start writing it.

I feel like all my life, I have always been that person.

You know the one who wants to “save” the world, to help those who need it, to be there for people who don’t even want it. But I felt like it was part of who I am, like it was my calling. I feel like I am a pretty selfless person; I am often told by those closest to me that I far too often put others needs ahead of mine and try to solve everyone else’s problems but my own. To which I jokingly like to respond; "I teach what I cannot do."

It IS easier to help others and focus on their problems, it IS fulfilling to feed a starving cat or person. I understand that my need/want to take care of people stems from my co-dependency issues. I am well aware of that.  I do not understand though why being selfless and giving is a problem. This was always my answer to those who fought or challenged me regarding this… but it wasn't until I was speaking with someone recently that I realized how much it CAN be a problem and how much in some areas of my life it IS a problem.

As I contemplated with what choice I should make this past week over something that seems so large to me and so un-large to everyone else around me, I struggled. Making the choice to go meant supporting everything we always worked toward and seeing our dreams coming true… but making the choice to go also signifies that though those dreams came true, they are not ours, anymore. They are his.  Supporting him and watching him achieve one of his goals seems like something I NEED to do. Something I am required to do… something I SHOULD do… Not going just seems bitter and selfish.

"Sometimes you have to be selfish Rasha, sometimes, you just have to stop doing what’s best for everyone else and do what’s best for you." And that is the moment I made my decision.

I had chosen not to go. I have choose to be “selfish” so that I can allow my heart to heal, for this chapter in my life, to finally, be fully closed. To open a new book and start writing it...

“The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” 

* If you happen to be reading this or ever come across it, please know that I did not do this out of spite. I am so very proud of you and your accomplishments. I knew that you could do it and you did. I do wish that I could have been there to support you, but know that I am so proud of you and I will always be proud of you. You will make a huge difference in the world, just like you want too.

Even if you are no longer here to remind me...

Sometimes I think the hardest part of accepting a relationship is truly over, whether it was a 15 year marriage ending in divorce or a 4 year relationships ending on good terms, is the mere fact that everything around you changes.  It's not just that our status changes from "in a relationship" to "single" on social media for everyone to see, it's every single part of what we knew about that person and ourselves that changes.

One of the greatest things about relationships is knowing  that whatever the day brings, you can go home and be with someone who cares for you. We often don't realize how important it is in life to have a constant cheerleader, cheering you on and being there for you in the moments you need someone.

And then, one day, it's gone. You wake up and realize that your entire day will be navigated alone and there won't be someone there to ask you how it was and really care to hear your answer. When something magnificent happens, they are no longer there to call and share the news with. When something terrible happens, they are no longer there for you to call to get that comfort you so deeply long for. Sure you have your family and friends; who you can call, but it isn't the same. You want to call the one you loved. The one who, inconveniently as it is, no longer loves you.

 We get so use to seeing the world as "us" and "we" that to exist merely as "I" again is hard to comprehend and make sense of.

Sometimes I come home and my apartment is empty. It seems so quiet, so cold, so lonely. I sit there, alone with the whole evening in front of me; the opportunity to do whatever I want, the moment to change myself, to become that person that people see me as that I so strongly want to be again. But it's in these moments where I pick up my phone, look through our texts and wonder what you are doing. I wonder what you would tell me if we were still together and I was feeling this lonely and unsure. I'm sure it would be something along the lines of  "You're so strong Rasha, you have nothing to worry about." 

I guess what matters now is just remembering that this is true, even if you're no longer here to remind me and remembering that existing merely as "I" is a wonderful opportunity to reinvent myself; to become that strong person you saw in me and that person I want to be.

I don't wanna grow up; but it's too late

An open letter to my 24th birthday

Hey Birthday,

April 1st, huh? In a whole 4 hours it's celebration time. You know, we’ve been through some good times. Remember 2008, when you turned the big 19 and posted on Facebook about how "old" you felt? And how sad you were because it was your first birthday away from home and well, they just aren't that fun when you don't have someone baking you a delicious cake; but then your bff, Yanni made you a confetti cake? Love that dude.

How about 2010 when you turned 21 and celebrated it in Vegas staying up all night and spending way too much money playing Roulette; but oh that bed at Treasure Island so comfy and amazing and made it all worth it. 

So here we are in, 2013. It felt like we just celebrated New Years, but now its already April. Between working full time and being super busy there's been no over advertisement about a special day that is all about me. Could it be? Have I reached the age where I start to detest my birthday?

As much as I’ve always complained that there are not enough calendar days centrally focused on me; It’s no lie that getting old is scary. Especially when I don’t exactly have my life together. Okay, I know that most 24 year older's don't have their life together; I guess I just want/ed to be so much further than I am; but then again, looking back this IS exactly where I wanted to be at my age. I work a full time job in my career field of choice, doing what I've always wanted to do. So maybe my life's together a little more than I think; but then again I equate "having my life together" to being married, having kids and a house, and the whole 9 yards.

The reason I’m writing you this letter isn’t to tell you how scared I am about getting older or to look back and reflect on the years that have passed but instead, to thank you and to ask you a favor.

Now, typical of twentysomething style; with sweetness and a smile, I’m going to ask you a favor. With all of your power and all of your might, I’m requesting that my 24th year on the planet be more fabulous than the previous 23 combined. With this being said, there are things you need to overcome such as; being too shy and introverted, not wanting to spend any of the money you slave away making, on yourself, constantly worrying over things that have yet to happen, thinking you have to adhere to this strict and somewhat ridiculous timeline you've created for yourself, etc. These things just rob you of your time and energy and you deserve so much more than this. So take that trip when you want too, buy that shirt that fits perfect, even if you have too many... You're only young and 24 for so long. So, if you could keep the stars aligned and the good times rolling, I’d be very appreciative.

With all my thanks, love and affection,
Birthday Girl

A brief message to myself

As I sat in the coffee shop, studying for a project that is approaching wayyyy too fast, I felt this emotion growing inside me. I know this emotion far too well. It isn't a good one; it isn't one that I like. I try distracting myself by googling precious babies and watching funny video's on YouTube, but it isn't doing the trick. My brain is amazing in the fact that in all my 23 years, I have managed to be able to focus on something, yet still dwell completely on another. I know that sounds common, but let's just say the extent to which I am able to do it, is extreme.

The emotion is that negative overwhelming feeling, the one that makes me want to burst in tears, or question everything about everything I've ever done or had happen to me. You can imagine this isn't healthy for me, right? So now that we all agree, back to the feeling... I start thinking; "Oh my gosh, I'm 23. I'm single. I'm alone. No one is interested in me. I'm not good enough. I've been out of college approaching almost 2 years. I could/should be finishing my masters degree by now. What am I doing? Why am I such slacker? What's wrong with me? Why am I not more motivated? So and so has their master's and so and so is married... WITH KIDS..." Yeaaa that's a slight idea of the thought process that often goes through my complicated pessimistic mind. I realize that lots of people do this, but what is abnormal, is lots of people are also able to counteract these thoughts, "Yes I'm 23 and single, because I am too fabulous to settle for less than I deserve. I am good enough. I have been out of college two years, but I've also been gaining real life experience in my career field to allow myself to become a better clinician. Nothing is wrong me and I am motivate," where you see, that's where I struggle.

So as I sat there, thinking of all "negative poor choices" my destructive brain has allowed me to create, I thought of a question. Why is it that we allow ourselves to compare to one another? Everyday I preach to my amazing kids I work with that they are an individual and everything they have gone through or do is unique; is them; it all defines them. I tell them to not compare themselves to others and then I do it. Call me miss hypocrite... 

I need to stop comparing myself and I need to remember that people are different. So here's a brief message to myself: Yes, there are 23 year olds out there that are completing their master's degree, where as you are 23, approaching 2 years out of college but are gaining immense knowledge that a classroom cannot prepare you for, so that when you do return, you will be better able to apply it. Yes, there are 23 year older's out there who are married and have kids and some are completely happy with that and I know you want a baby and husband and that "happy ever after" life but you also want a career and you want to be able to stay out late and not come home if that's what the night entails... You need to remember, that you CAN have it all... you just cannot have it all at once. Your time for everything will come. Be patient. Think positive and for goodness sakes, realize that you owe yourself more credit than you give. If you were looking through a glass mirror at a 23 year old who lived your exact life and is doing exactly what you are doing right now, you'd praise them.

Why Number 6?

Many of you might be wondering, why I made the conscious decision to change my blog name from "And this is what she said" to "Number 6." I briefly mentioned in my last post, that I need a change, that I need to separate myself from him and our life together, for I am no longer living in that life. It was a simple, yet excruciatingly hard decision to let it go, to change what I had for so long, to adapt to being alone again, but I knew it was a step I need to take, one that could no longer wait for me to be fully ready; for if I am not taking steps, I am never going to get there.

So I thought about it for months and the idea of it all was too scary, I am not fond of change, or risk taking. But there was a moment for me, sitting in the coffee shop that has become all too familiar, reading all the "how to overcome this" relationship books possible, that it dawned on me... If you don’t take risks, your life will forever remain the same. To which instantly, my brain counteracted this statement with; "which is okay, you prefer it that way. You don’t want to deal with any unexpected twists and turns. You are determined to never lose control. You gave it away once and look how far it got you" and in that moment, I was content with staying exactly the way I was, wallowing in pain and giving excuses that I've given so many times that I have started to actually believe them; "when you are ready; it'll happen, and magically you wont hurt anymore." Which let's face it, is the stupidest BS anyone could possibly believe, if you make no effort to change your life, your life will never change. Simple as that.

I no longer want to be this person. No one truly does. No one wants to have to admit that they are unable to move past something, which happened so long ago, that not even the most hopeless romantic could justify it.  I hate being her, but she is who I am.

Yes, who I am, I want so badly to write "who I was" but the truth is, she is still who I am, but at the same time, she is no longer how I want to be. So this is me, taking the steps to control my own life and not allowing him to any longer. I know that it’s not his fault and I do not blame him for taking the steps he needed to, to be happy. But I want to let go. I want to take those steps to being happy too. I want to walk away from what we had and make every day a conscious step towards something more positive, something where I don’t factor someone into my life who no longer cares about me that way. I want to be brave in a way I always used to be, but haven’t been for so long. I want to return to the me who believes the world is magnificent regardless of the pain and suffering. I miss her, and at times have almost forgotten who she really is. Part of me believes that the moment I truly let him go will be the moment I get her back; that he is, in a way, crowding my life and preventing me from living to the fullest extent. But I know that it’s not a step he can take for me. It's a step, I must take for myself.

And that is what I'm doing. I am not saying this process will be easy, as nothing in life is, and I am not saying, I will never falter or make mistakes, or want nothing more than him cuddling me to take all the pain away that's inside, but I am saying, that he no longer has the power to take my pain away, only I do and therefore, I choose to do this. For me. For that girl, I use to believe, that loved life and wanted nothing but happiness.

The number 6 has much meaning for me; I became an aunt at the young age of 6 to the most magnificent handsome little guy, I am the last Gardner girl of 6 beautiful girls, and my father left for heaven when I was 6. The number 6 resonates with me, it has meaning and therefore gives meaning to this blog. An outlet, for just me, to express myself and share all of my emotions, whether they be happy or sad, but let's hope mostly happy. 

Once again, welcome and thank you for being a part of my journey. 

And with 2013 comes a change...

2012 was sort of a rough year for me.

Actually, I think rough, is a severe understatement to how bad it was.

Yes, there were good moments, great ones, if I am being complete honest;

like getting a new and high position in my career...

But with that good, it seems came double the bad.

Though maybe it wasn't bad?

Many of you know that my 4+ relationship ended abruptly 

and to be honest 9 months later I am still dealing with it.

(to my defense we did not/haven't severed ties in many more ways than one)

But maybe, just maybe, it wasn't bad and it was EXACTLY what needed to happen.

Lets be honest, I gave him all of me. In every possible way their is to give someone and in doing that

we often forget how much we lose ourselves.

I have learned so much this year though, important lessons that I will treasure forever,

that I will take with me to make 2013 better than 2012.

Getting our heart broken wont kill us:

It sucks, and if feels like you might die, and you may even want too, but it's also an important part of growing older, realizing that life has the ability to break you. Many of us need to get our heart broken by somebody we love to an insane extent, in order to realize how important love is and that it shouldn't be taken for granted, so that when the right person comes along, you'll be the right person for them. 

You will come into the relationship with eyes and a heart wide open.

Reminiscing is just so easy:

It is just so easy, reminiscing about old times and grazing back to familiar pastures. 

I was (am) re-living a dead relationship that was (is) going absolutely nowhere, but I didn't (don't) know how to live without it.

I'm not saying reminiscing is bad, in fact, there are many times we should look back & reminisce on...

However, I just now know this is not one as it is causing more harm than good...

Therapist need therapy too:

When I tell people (or when people find out) that I see a therapist weekly the look on their face is always the same... *Insert puzzled look* "what? why? Isn't that your career?"

Why yes, thank you for reminding me, I almost forgot.

Let me update you on something;

knowing the knowledge and tools is COMPLETELY different than applying it yourself.

But in all seriousness seeing a therapist can be one of the most frustrating experiences if you've never done it, because you're opening up to a person you don't really know, and when you talk to them they just sit there and look at you, shaking their head/squinting their eyes when all you want is for them to tell you that, "No, You're Not Crazy and, Wow, Here Are 15 Things You Can Do To Change Your Life Right Now."

Sorry to burst your bubble if you have never gone, but it doesn't work that way...

 Seeing a therapist is really about you coming to your own conclusions by talking it out with yourself, untangling your brain on your own accord.

Love doesn't hurt:

Love doesn't hurt. If it hurts it's something else.

 Fear. Attachment. Idolatry. Addiction. Possessiveness.

You name it...

You Got Dumped:

Someone you loved was basically like "Hey, person who loves me deeply, I'm gonna have to ruin your life right quick so I can get to all this *banging other people, living my life so differently than I am with you, or whatever other BS you heard insert here now*, that I've been meaning to do. Hope we can still be friends and have sex occasionally which gives you a vague yet unsustainable hope for our non-existent future! Peace!"

And now you're single, despite having no choice in the matter. 

(This one sorta goes along with the "Getting our heart broken wont kill us, see above)

Self is the healthiest relationship ever had:

My fear of being alone compromises my future, my dream of someone else, of something else. I now have no love interests in my life, no one who is there for me twenty-four-seven, and that scares me...terribly... but it doesn't mean one day I won't have that again. 

And perhaps then, I will be comfortable enough with myself to know that I am with this person because I want to be, because we complement each other and not because I need them to counteract my insecurities. 

You deserve better:

I'm suddenly slowly realizing and actually starting to believe that I am worth more than this. It's starting to click that with my entire life ahead of me, I don't have to settle on this relationship just because it was what I thought I had always wanted. Because there has always been times I wanted more, and with this closure to the book, I can now go searching for them.

And with all this realization, comes the decision to change. Myself. For the better good. 

For me to be who I want, need and always strived to be.

Within this want to change myself, 

my blog of, approaching 4 years, needs to change too.

For it should reflect me and who I am now, not who I was with him.

Welcome to Number 6;

And a very Happy New Year!